he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Randomize
