I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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