The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
