Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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