dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
