Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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