it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
