Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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