I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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