Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
