all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
