I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
