I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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