Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
