she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
