And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
