How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
