I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
