I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
