no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
