Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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