i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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