I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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