I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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