This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
