i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
