im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
did you just send me my own nude
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
