uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
