I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
