dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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