: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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