We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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