Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This baby is an asshole
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
