i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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