If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
