i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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