and you said cock pushups were impossible
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
