I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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