We won't sleep together?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
