My cat gives me a boner
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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