took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
