my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
