life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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