I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize