how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
