On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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