he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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