Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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