9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
