My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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