Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
