Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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