he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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