So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
