mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
