Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I faked an abortion last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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