Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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