when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
