awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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